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Eventually, the only way of controlling them was for every email user to have his or her own robot to filter their mail. I did not want a robot filtering my mail but I didn't have much choice: nobody was allowed an email account without a robot to monitor its use. Every time I log into my email, I pause and listen for the faint metallic scraping and a slight pneumatic wheeze as the robot wakes and prepares to filter my mail. The list of forbidden words is long and growing longer by the day, it is difficult to make up proper sentences without using the forbidden words, soon our only way of emailing will be by inventing a new language. My problem now is that I cannot get email through to my friends and they cannot get email to me. Now I can't send email, can't receive email, the robot has isolated me. Article: It all started in the early part of the twenty-first century. In the early days of email we were thrilled with its speed and reliability, far superior to 'snail mail' but there's eternally somebody who has to go and spoil things for everyone else. In the case of email it was the purveyors of the namesake of a changeless pork-based substance. They became such a nuisance that large teams of robots had to be employed to keep them under control. As the porkers got smarter, the robots had to evolve into smarter still. At first, everybody signed that stringent measures must be taken to defeat the porkers. Ever hear the phrase 'throwing the baby out with the bath water' or 'the cure is worse than the disease'? The number of spam merchants multiplied over and over. Eventually, the only way of controlling them was for every email user to have his or her own robot to filter their mail. I did not want a robot filtering my mail but I didn't have much choice: nobody was accorded an email evidence without a robot to monitor its use. Every time I log into my email, I pause and listen for the faint metallic scraping and a slight pneumatic wheeze as the robot wakes and prepares to filter my mail. No matter how quiet I am, he hour after hour knows and is instantly flame and alert, ready to do his job. I did not request robotic help, don't want it, don't need it but the robot is here to stay. I think my robot is like the paranoid android in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy: slow moving and depressive, so I call him Marvin (not to his face, of course). I don't suppose my Marvin feels that abridgement my mail is a suitable occupation for a robot of his caliber, any more that his namesake thought simultaneous the car park at the end of the universe was a great lurch for a robot with a nervous system the size of a planet. On my part, I am sure that I am old enough to take full responsibility for my own correspondence. There is no need for Marvin to wear out his circuits on my scot but it appears that we are stuck with each other for the duration. The extent of Marvin's power first fastened my debate when a regular newsletter which I enjoyed failed to arrive. Delivery just stopped altogether. I asked my email provider if there was a problem with this particular mail and they said there was nothing wrong with my mailbox, it must be a problem with the sender. I asked the sender why delivery had stopped and they said it hadn't, it must be a problem with my mailbox. I gave up and just resubscribed myself to the newsletter. Every time delivery stopped uniform with that I wondered what else I might be missing in the way of interesting mail. It was shortly later this that it became airy to me that Marvin has a bad attitude. Now I can sympathise with him cause I know how it feels to be stuck in a irksome job while the perceptiveness cells shrivel. That doesn't mean I think he should move badly, he should do the job to the best of his timing (even if it is under him) and not make mischief. Everyone seems to receive that the robots keep motley the rules in an effort to keep major of the porkers but I don't deduce that. I think they keep variable the rules mostly out of heaviness but, in Marvin's case, I sense a special underlying malevolence. This surfaced recently when I sent an email to a friend I had not heard from for a while. My mail bounced back with a message to the effect that spam would not be delivered. How dare they, Spam indeed! From that day on, every mail I tried to send bounced straight back at me. Angrily, I contacted the email assembly support desk to complain. They helpfully told me that this problem was nothing to do with them, I must have used forbidden words in my emails and that was why they bounced. The forbidden words included 'friend', 'free', 'you', 'internet', 'remove'. The list of forbidden words is long and growing longer by the day, it is difficult to make up proper sentences without using the forbidden words, soon our only way of emailing will be by inventing a new language. My problem now is that I cannot get email through to my friends and they cannot get email to me. Too late I realised that we neglected to exchange phone numbers: there seemed no point when email was so quick and easy. Now I can't send email, can't receive email, the robot has isolated me. Only one way left to go to ruin out of quarantine and it's a long time since I sat with pen and paper to write letters. I won't use the word processor as I am convinced Marvin will recognise it as a means of chit but I don't think he will know what the pen is for and I doubt he'll be suspicious if I take some envelopes with me next time I go out. A glorified email filter is hardly likely to know the purpose of a mailbox which is not of the virtual variety. I hear Marvin stir even though I have not switched on my computer, he seems to have the stock to read my mind. There is a faint peal sound, the smell of ozone, an electrical crackle in the air. His hand on my shoulder is heavy and cold, the steel joints creak as his fingers tighten. I don't think I will be going out to post any letters. This is one of a series of articles published by the author, Elaine Currie, BA(Hons) at http://www.Huntingvenus.com The author’s monthly newsletter is obtainable free from mailto:networkerhvm@ReportsNetwork.com
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